Alex is sitting on the steps of the back door to his parent's house. He's smoking a cigarette slowly, staring out into the night, as he absently strokes the fur of a large tabby cat that is sitting near his leg.

Dean stands on the other side of the screen door, watching you carefully. "Taking up smoking, love?" he says quietly, opening the door and taking a seat next to you on the step.

The cat retreats inside as you open the door, and Alex turns to watch you sit down, a weary smile tugging just at the corners of his lips before he takes another drag. "My dad didn't have any weed..." He shrugs slightly, then reaches over to squeeze your hand.

Well, I'm not gonna lecture you. Just blow the smoke the other way." Dean smiles as you touch his hand, tangling his fingers with your own. "We should really go inside though, love...it's getting dark, and you're going to freeze."

Alex looks down at the jeans and thin tee shirt he's wearing. Stupid, really, in the typical cold of December. Then he nods. "I'm almost done." Squeezing your fingers again and taking another drag. He looks over his shoulder toward the screen door quickly. "How's mum?" Voice dropping softer as he asks it.

"She's okay. I brought her a blanket and some tea." he sighs. "I love you, Alex. I hope you know that."

He nods and pats your hand, taking another drag and looking back out into the night. "I do know, love. I love you too..."

Dean smiles half-heartedly and stands up. "I'm going back upstairs, then. See you in a couple minutes...it's too cold."

Alex turns to look at you, and snorts softly at that. "No. Wait. I'll go with..." He takes one last drag as he stands, dropping the cigarette and stubbing it out with his heel as he exhales. He turns back to you with weary half-smile and takes your hand again, stepping toward the door.

Dean smiles softly, moving behind you so that you can lead him wherever it is you want to go. "You really sure you wanna go up to the room?"

"Yeah, I..." Then he stops. "Actually, do you want to go to the flat?" He looks down at his new watch and then up at you. "It's only 10. And now that it's only my stuff there we can talk about getting it set up..." His voice is flat, but seems genuine.

"Are...are you really sure you want to go?" he asks timidly, hand squeezing yours again. "We can stay here, really."

"It's..." He takes a quick breath and squeezes your hand back, forcing a tight smile. "It's ours now. If we're living there this summer we have to get it set up while we're here..." He nods quickly. "If you still want to, I mean..."

"Okay." he says slowly, trying to reconcile with himself if this is a good idea or not. "But I insist that you put on something warmer."

He chuckles softly, that hard edge still behind everything he does, and nods. "Okay... Lemme run upstairs and change." He leans to kiss you on the cheek quickly and then sprints up the short set of stairs to his room.

Dean grabs his coat out of the closet, pulling it on slowly as he waits. He grabs yours as well, setting it across the back of the chair.

Alex comes back downstairs, a duffle bag slung over one shoulder. He sticks his head into the den to tell his parent's he's leaving, and then takes up his coat, sliding it on and re-shouldering the bag. "As I was changing I realized you didn't answer me...." He looks down at his hands. "I don't... if you don't want to do this flat thing, I don't want to pressure you."

"Love...of course I want to stay with you." he smiles, reaching over to cup your cheek gently. "I just don't want you to push it right now, if you're not ready."

He tenses slightly, but leans into your touch. "Not ready?" He shrugs tightly. "I'm ready..."

"No...not about us living together, baby. Just about going there tonight." he shakes his head, momentarily confused. "I want to live with you...I just didn't think you'd want to go back to the flat just yet."

"Oh. I..." He sets the bag down again and sighs, rubbing at his eyes. "Yeah... I guess you're right. Maybe it's too soon." Voice flat again, he shrugs and looks back at you. '"Well, that was an aborted effort...Upstairs, then?"

"Upstairs sounds great, love." Dean smiles, leaning in to kiss you. "You'll know when you're ready. Let's go upstairs and...snuggle." he chuckles softly, pulling you up the stairs quickly.

Alex nods, suddenly looking tired, and rubs at his eyes again with his free hand - letting you drag him back up to his room. In the door, he quickly pulls off the sweater and heavier tee shirt he had just put on, and toes off his shoes.

"Sorry I made you dress up for nothing." Dean smiles, toeing off his own shoes. He flops down onto your bed, arranging the duvet neatly.

Alex shrugs and sits down at the edge of the bed. "S'okay." He grins wearily at you and then lays back, twisting so that his head is by yours. He's laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, hands folded across his stomach. "This is probably a better idea anyway. It's late."

"It is." he sighs, snuggling closer to you. "We can go tomorrow if you still want to."

Alex nods quickly and drops a kiss to your forehead, looping his arms around you, still tense. "Yeah, during the day would probably be better...'

"Are you wanting to sleep then, or shall we talk some more?" Dean kisses the side of your mouth lightly, pulling you into a tight hug.

"Oh. " He sounds surprised at the question and looks down at you. "We can talk... Is there something you wanted to talk about? After he asks he pulls you closer and chuckles. "Or, we could not talk..." Making his voice low again and suggestive.

"Actually, there's plenty we could talk about, but it's up to you." he sighs contentedly, enjoying your touch again...even though it's different. "You name it, love."

Alex chuckles, shifting and twining his legs with yours, pulling your hips down slightly against his and pressing toward you, kissing the side of your mouth and then the space below your ear. "I can't think of anything..." Nipping at your ear lobe.

Dean melts into your touch. "I love you, babe." he whispers, trying to push back any negative thoughts. "I want to hold you. But that's it, hun. Please don't be mad.

Alex tenses, slightly taken aback, then pulls you closer and drops his lips to just by your ear, kissing again. "You don't want me?" Voice teasing and intentionally sultry, but laced with something harder, a mild hurt.

"Gods, I want you, love." he groans. "But it's not you in there when we make love anymore."

Alex does tense then, moving his head away from yours. "What do you mean by that?" His voice harder than he means for it to be.

"I don't know how to explain it, love. You weren't there the other night when I was making love to you...not really." he sighs softly. "And you'll never be again unless you deal with things."

"Dean..." He fights to make his voice level again..."I don't know what you're talking about, love. I'm right here..." Forcing a tight chuckle, but tensing even more as this gets into dangerous territory.

Dean sits up quickly, looking at you with a new determination. "It wasn't you, god damn it! You know exactly what I'm talking about." he takes a deep breath before continuing. "It was like shagging a...shell...of you or something. You're using the sex to hide for a while, and I won't let you fucking do that to yourself!"

Alex's eyes widen, then narrow, and he quickly pushes himself up as well, looking uncomfortable - but with something harder flashing dangerously in his eyes. Still fighting not to raise his voice, and fighting the urge to get up and leave the room. "I wasn't shagging to hide from anything. I don't have anything to hide from. "

Dean laughs ruefully. "Lying to yourself as well." he purses his lips slightly and continues. "You need to deal with this, Alex. If you don't you're never going to be able to move on. I won't let you do this to yourself!" he almost shouts the last sentence.

"Won't let me?" He looks incredulous for a moment and then takes a shuddering breath, pushing himself to standing and looking down at you. "Won't let me do what, exactly? You'd rather I be useless and crying and weak? Sitting around blubblering about how sad it fucking is? What the fuck good does that do? Eh?" And he doesn't raise his voice, instead it lowers dangerously and his eyes are hard again. Words bitter, increasingly angry as he spits them out.

"What good does it do?" he repeats absently. "God...you don't really know. You're going to be like this forever until you fucking do something about it!" he growls. "I don't care if I have to hold you for days while you let it all out. At least it would be out! You're a fucking zombie, Alex."

"Yeah, be out! Because that's what everyone fucking wants, isn't it? Just to forget and go on like it didn't fucking happen." He spits the words out, faster now, obviously getting worked up. He begins to pace, walking back and forth between the bed and desk, wringing his hands. "You know what Josh and Sam got me for Christmas? A fucking pensieve. So I could forget and move past it and get it out. Who the fuck is left to fix this if I forget, huh?"

Dean watches every move you make carefully. "I never said anything about forgetting her, did I? You'll never forget her, Alex." he sighs. "She was your sister...She loved you very much, and I know you loved her just as much, if not more."

Alex starts to begin another angry speech, but the change in your tone makes him stop, and turn back to look at you. He catches your eyes for a moment, his chest visibly heaving, and then sinks into the chair at the desk, his expression softening. "I'm sorry...'''

"Nothing to be sorry for." he says simply. "But you're not going to get out of it that easily either. You have to deal with this, not pretend it all away."

He sighs, then says "I'm not pretending anything, Dean. You think I don't know she's dead?" Exasperated.

"I know that." Dean sighs softly. "But you're still not dealing with it...unless you count holing it all up inside." he runs his fingers through his hair shakily. "It's eating you up inside, and all I can do is sit here watching you get more withdrawn and depressed. You won't let me in...you won't let anyone in."

Alex looks over at you as you say that, and runs his hand thru his hair as well - in frustration, then sighs and rubs at his eyes, not saying anything.

Dean frowns openly, his eyes full of concern and worry. "I love you, and I'm not going to give up on this."

Alex sighs again and looks up at the ceiling. He doesn't know what to say, so he fixes his eyes above your head and sits, tensely. "I love you too..."

"Love...come here. Please." he whispers softly. "I promise I won't say anything again for a while. I...I just want to hold you."

Alex lets his eyes meet yours, the fight completely out of him and now just looking tired - weary. He crosses the bed and lays down on his back again, not making any move toward where you're sitting up. "I'm sorry..." Voice flat, tired.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, love." he whispers, lying down beside you slowly. "I feel bad for being so rough with you...kinda." he smiles

When you touch him you can notice that he's tense, muscles almost shivering with the stress of tension. He pats your arm softly. "Don't be..."

"I love you, baby. Nothing's ever going to change that." he reaches out, pulling you closely to himself. "You'll have to resign yourself to the fact that you'll never get rid of me."

Alex nods and takes a deep breath, trying to make himself relax, but it doesn't work. He just shivers slightly and nods, wrapping one arm around your waist and pulling you in. "I know..." His voice still weary.

Dean kisses your face all over very lightly. "And you're doomed to snuggling with me whether you like it or not." he smiles sweetly, kissing your nose.

At that Alex chuckles, a soft snort, and turns his head to catch your lips. His own kiss much fiercer than yours, as if he's trying to apologize with it. Then he pulls away and leans his head back against the pillows, closing his eyes. "I like it."

Dean smiles, scooting up alongside you. "I'm glad. 'Cause...it's not like you have a choice." he grins. His eyes roam across your face, wishing he could do more.

[Fin.]